It's been 3 years since you left me behind at 2006, August 20. Where does the time go anyway?
Howya doin? Hope you'll always be fine just like me. Know what? I've missed you so much. I miss your anger, your kindness, and your thin-coarse-grayish beard. I always felt tickled when it touched my cheek. I also want you to carry me on your back again just like when I was a kid. Damn, I miss it so much..
Remember when I was on 7th grade, you walked across my school and you saw me from a distance? You shouted my name, but I was pretending like didn't hear anything. Whereas you just wanna greeted me. How fvckin cruel I am. Then you walked away after tried to call my name several times. I dunno what the hell I was thinking that time so I didn't answer your call. Feel sorry, after several minutes later I was running through schoolkeeper to came back home, to met you. To apologized. And you said, "Nothing to worry."
When I was on kindergarten, neither mom nor dad guiding me to school. It's you. You also picked me up when the school's end. Everyday. On my kindergarten's graduating, it's you who accompanied me that time. Likewise when my first time entered elementary school, you guided and picked me up. You, not my parents...
I know, regretness is useless.
But do you know how big my regret when you passed away and I wasn't there on your side to accompanied you on your last time? All of our family were there, ALL OF THEM. But not me. Do you know how regret I am everytime I remembered my mistakes I've done to you? I'm always hurting you. Said dirty words, scolded, and all other like that. You just keep quiet, never be angry for that. How sinful I am...
I love you, and that's the way I was.
I love you more than everything, more than everyone. Even my love for you is bigger and bigger and bigger than for mom and dad. Conversely, you're the only one who loves me wholly. I know it.
My mouth's rude, I always say sumthin bad. Normally, when I'm losing someone I love, I won't say, Baby I love you, please come back to me..." and all that crap. I wanna scolded, be angry, be mad. I'm not a good-minded or kind-hearted person, though. But I can't talk that shit to you gramps, I really can't! Hell, even I'm scolding as rude as I could, you never ever back, eh? It's something we call -- God's will. And I won't resist God's will. Ever since you're gone, my life has been harder and harsher than it was before. I've suffered several times.
Never asked how much tears I've spent for you. I always cry whenever I remember you -like now, when I'm writing this-. And I remember you everytime. I don't care everyone will see me as a cry-baby after read this. Everyone had a sensitive side, though. Like I said back then, I'm a human, and I'm weak. I could cry whenever I get hurt. Losing you hundred times more painful that losing my very precious Nakama, IVORY. It's not a bullshit. It's true.
Now I'm not your little girl, now I'm your big guy. I wanna be stong, I gotta be strong. I call this a 'trial'. Doesn't matter how much I fall, I'll wake up. It's hard for me to admit this reality, but I'll try to fight for it. I'll wipe my tears, even it's hard since you're not here to support me.
Ah, even I haven't any picture of you, of us...
Rest In Peace, gramps...
I'll always pray for you.
with [L]ove [L]ove [L]ove..
that's why I love that quote so much...